My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Randomize
