Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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