I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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