I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
