Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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