If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
