I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
