I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
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