i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
