that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
She even gives head with a lisp.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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