im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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