Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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