you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
