Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
