literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize