When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize