I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
