Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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