i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
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