I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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