So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
