Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
