I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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