There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
