So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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