96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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