I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
