Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
