I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
