I love black thongs
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
