WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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