She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
