i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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