hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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