His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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