Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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