if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Operation Purity has been aborted
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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