you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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