Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
