he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
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