i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
