I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
