Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
