i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
