:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Randomize
