Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
