Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
