I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
