Hey man sorry I got all grabby
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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