i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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