Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
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