my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize