I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
