i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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