I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
