I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
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