I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
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