I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
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