you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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