Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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