There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
