This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
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