oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
