If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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